Don't look back
The two people walked down the long, dark tunnel connecting the underworld of the dead to the land of the living up above. The man led the way several steps in front, while the woman followed slowly behind, out of sight.
"Don't look back," Hades had told him. "No matter what happens, don't turn around to look at her."
So he didn't. He walked on, carefully placing one foot after another with gritted teeth, each step like agony as he only heard the sound of his own footfalls, and nothing of her. An oppressive silence was the only response to the loudness of his footsteps, seeming more and more like a taunt as he walked. His mind turned paranoid and began to play tricks on him. Had he been fooled, and was simply walking in solitude, further and further away from his one true love?
It was so, so tempting to turn and look. Or just take a little peek, out of the corner of his eye. Hades hadn't said he couldn't do that, right? How long had it been already? It was starting to feel like forever.
The gloom was starting to lighten. He was close to the exit now, he'd soon be out of the caves. Oh, he wanted so badly to check! Just to make sure he wasn't losing this one final chance to be with her again. What if he finally reached the sunlight, turned around, and didn't see her standing in front of him? What if it was all a cruel trick? They'd never let him back in, he knew that.
They'd never let him back in. He couldn't screw this up. Get a grip, man! Remember why you did this for her. Remember that one of the reasons you love her so much is because you trust her, in a way that you've never trusted anyone else. You've always had each other's backs. Isn't that why you came to get her in the first place? You did your part, now trust her to do hers.
Yes. He trusted her. He'd always had her back, and he knew she would have his too. He had to have faith in their bond. He'd made a promise, and he couldn't let her down now by panicking.
So he didn't turn around. His jaw tightened with unbearable tension, but he kept putting one foot in front of the other, left, right, left, right marching ever upwards. His head spun, but he imagined himself a soldier in an army, and his vision shrank down to the path in front of him, the earth right below his feet as he forced them to keep moving. He swallowed once, clearing the lump from his throat.
Hades hadn't said he couldn't speak, though. So he decided to risk it. His heart hammering with dread, he called out: "Are you here?"
The rock walls bounced his voice back to him, here, here, here. And then, a whisper of sound, a mere memory of what her voice had been: "Here..."
He swallowed again, uncertain whether it was real, or a trick, or simply his desperate imagination. Resolutely he resisted the urge to turn his head.
A few more steps, a few more breaths. And suddenly the light of the sun was upon him in full blinding glory. The breath of the wind was on his cheeks.
He was out. Back in the world of the living. But he held his breath, still afraid. He took several more steps, making sure he was fully clear of the cave entrance. Listening.
The scrubby bushes in the parched soil rustled in the morning breeze. Birds chirped, and in the distance, waves crashed against the distant shore. No signs of any other person nearby.
And then, there - the light scrape of a sandal on the rough ground behind him. Just barely.
He expelled his breath, and slowly, fearfully, he finally turned around.
And there she was. Standing right in front of him, just as beautiful and radiant as he remembered. Solid, physical, utterly real.
He thought it might still be a trick. But then she reached out and took his hand in hers, and smiled up at him. She was warm, and alive. "You came for me," she said simply.
His joy knew no bounds, swelling in his chest until he thought his heart would burst. "What would you like to do first, now that you're alive again?" he asked her.
Her face grew solemn, thoughtful. "My life was stolen away from me too soon. I never got to experience all the things I wanted to."
A moment's hesitation, uncertainty. Then she continued: "And...I think, I would really like to go and do that now. Go out into the world, do all the things. Before, well, before...before I can be with you. I can't just go and be with you now. I need to do all the things first." She hung her head guiltily. "Experience the world, and all that."
He sucked in his breath; his relief fled and was immediately replaced with fear again. And a crushing hurt. "You don't want me to come with you?"
Her eyes searched his, beseeching. "This journey is one I have to take alone. Because I feel like I've spent an eternity being dead underground, and before I barely had time to know myself when I was alive. You found me - but now I need to find me."
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will the pain away. Trying not to feel like she was slipping away from him again. Don't panic. You gave her life back to her, but it's her life, not yours. You don't get to decide for her. Trust that she's doing the right thing.
And yes, he trusted her to know what was best for herself. Even if it hurt him, he wanted the best for her. So he took a deep breath and opened his eyes, looking at her with all the love he had.
"I'm glad you're back. But if you need to go...you need to go. If you can't be with me, I understand. I won't try to stop you. But if you ever need me, you know I'll always be here for you."
Her hand tightened its grip on his. Her eyes shone with relief, joy, and pure love. She took his other hand, and squeezed. Then she stood on tiptoe, and brushed her lips against his.
"I never said I can't ever be with you! I love you. I love you truly, and that's never going to change. Of course I want to be with you. But not right here, right now. I need to spend a bit of time alone with myself, first. Because there are things in my head I need to sort out before I can be the best version of myself, and the partner you deserve. Before I can truly love you in the way that you need to be loved. So when I'm ready, trust that I'll come back to you. And we'll have plenty more adventures together. Do you trust me?"
He smiled down at her then. His heart was full, and there wasn't a doubt in his mind. "I trust you."
And so, he let her walk away from him again.
Because this time, it was her choice. And he would trust her with it.
I've always been irritated by the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice ever since I first read it as a young schoolgirl. It never sat well with me, and my sense of disquiet over it resurfaced several years ago when I discovered Bonnie 'Prince' Billy and Friends' delightful cover of the Jerry Garcia Band's "darkly magical story-song", 'Rubin and Cherise' - which improbably takes inspiration from that story as adapted into the film Black Orpheus ("The course of love must follow blind without a look behind"). It felt like a different ending was long overdue.
This particular story here isn't necessarily about Orpheus, Eurydice, Rubin or Cherise. It just seems to me that if people had much healthier relationship dynamics, truly cherishing and respecting each other for who we really are, with more vulnerability, authenticity, and more open and honest communication, we'd all treat each other much better, have much better mental health and happier lives all around. And everyone would be screwing up a lot less. So this is a fairytale of its own, in a way!
Also, coincidentally and entirely not on purpose, 'Don't Look Back' is one of my favourite songs by Luscious Jackson. Which may or may not have been playing in my head when I thought about the title for this story.
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